Dib Potty and the Something's Something
by Kitty Korpse
Summary: Based on Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone with IZJtHM chars involved. Read to find out more!
1. The Boy Who Didn't Die

_**Ah okay. I've currently got a writer's block for Rose Thorns (JtHM fic) so I'm writing this for a bit of fun. Now, I've had the idea for this for about... what... a month now? I'm gonna write little fancomics with it, and put it up on DA maybe, but for now I'm gonna turn it into a fic. Now, I know this has been done many, many times, and I apologize if any character seems OOC. Now, I've also changed a lot of things about the characters too. Like names, and relations to other characters. Like, Dib and Gaz are... cousins now, I guess? But they have robots for Vernon and Petunia, and Gaz is Gazedly. See what I mean? I've never wrote a fanfic with Harry Potter in it, so I dunno how this is gonna turn out. I'm going to include a cast list in case any of you get confused. Aren't I nice? **_

_**Harry- Dib**_

_**Ron- Keef**_

_**Hermione- Gretchen**_

_**Malfoy- Zim**_

_**Crabbe- Mini Moose**_

_**Goyle- GIR**_

_**Pansy Parkinson- Zita**_

_**Dumbledore- Tallest Purple as Professor Purplegore**_

_**Snape- Tallest Red, Professor Snapple**_

_**McGonagall- Ms. Bitters as Bittgonagal**_

_**Flitwick- Old Kid**_

_**Sprout- Bloaty**_

_**Quirrell- Mr. Dwicky**_

_**Hagrid- The hobo from Gaz, Taster of Pork as Hoborid**_

_**Voldemort- Senior Diablo**_

_**Sirius- Johnny C**_

_**Lupin- Edgar Vargas**_

_**James- Prof. Membrane**_

_**Lily- Devi D**_

_**Aunt Petunia- Robot**_

_**Uncle Vernon- Robot**_

_**Dudley- Gazedly**_

_**Neville- Squee**_

_**Now, some of these characters will not be in this story (Like Lupin, Edgar), but I added them in case I decided to do most, if not all, the books. Now, FINALLY, on with the fic.**_

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A soft breeze filled Piglet Drive as a figure appeared at the end of the street. Street lights revealed the figure's details. The figure had pale green skin, a long silver beard, and violet eyes. His blue, pointed hat was about a foot tall, with small yellow stars on it, and black attenae were poking through two holes in the hat. He had no boots; he hovered. This man's name was Professor Purplegore.

Professor Purplegore reached into his blue coat and pulled out a small device that shot out a red light when squeezed. He waved it once, and all the lights in the street lamps sputtered and went out. He hovered slowly down the side-walk, his violet eyes focused on a disgruntled looking gray cat. When he reached it, however, the cat was gone, and in it's place was a harsh looking woman, her steel gray hair pulled into a tight bun, a long, black dress on with black boots, and thick rimmed glasses.

"Good evening, Professor Bittgonagal," Professor Purplegore said. The woman said nothing, though she did growl slightly. "I... suppose you've heard?" Purplegore pressed on. The woman narrowed her eyes.

"Yes... and I suppose the little brat is coming to live here?" she hissed. Purplegore drew back slightly.

"Well, yes," he stammered. The lady was really creeping him out. There was a low rumble in the distance, but neither of them noticed it.

"Well, he'll be miserable," Bittgonagal said, though she didn't sound very sympathetic. "I've been watching them all day. The little girl in there- didn't catch her name- was trying to pull the wires out of the roboparents. She broke everything in the house and ate hotdogs all day! What kind of a life will he have?" Despite the serious questions, she still didn't sound sympathetic at all.

"That's not the point," Purplegore said sternly. "The point is, he'll have to live here... until he's ready to know the truth."

The rumbling was getting louder, and suddenly a dazzling light was blinding the two people. A gigantic unicycle landed in front of them, with a gigantic man riding it. The man turned off the flashlight he was holding and stepped off the unicycle, a small bundle in his arms. The man looked very ragged. He was dressed in a dark, frayed over coat and black pants, with enormous black boots. His face was almost completely hidden in a gray beard and mustatche, along with his bushy gray eyebrows. He had an ear of corn sticking out of one of his pockets.

"Good evening, Hoborid," Purplegore said, inclining his head slightly and staring over his half-moon glasses at the man.

"Evenin'," the man said. "I... I got him sir." Hoborid nodded down at the bundle in his arms. The bundle stirred slightly but made no sound.

"Where did you get that ridiculous source of transportation?"

"Oh, this?" Hoborid gestured towards the unicycle. "I borrowed it, from young Johnny C.!"

"Oh... oh I see..." Purplegore said softly, staring at the unicycle. He then took the bundle from Hoborid's arms and strode towards the house swiftly. The other two followed close behind him. Purplegore set the bundle down in front of the house's door and shifted the cloth a bit, revealing a baby. It was growing a little bit of hair, which was jet black. A lightning shaped scar stood out brilliantly against his pale skin. The baby was fast asleep. Purplegore took out a floppy disc and layed it next to the baby, and Hoborid let out another yell.

"I... I can't believe it! Devi and Membrane dead! It's so sad it makes me wanna stab myself in the face with a spork!"

"Shut up, before you get us caught!" Bittgonagal hissed. Hoborid sniffled slightly but made no other noise. Purplegore hadn't noticed, however; he was looking at the small baby, thinking about it's fate.

"Good luck, Dib Potty," he whispered. He turned and bade the others goodbye, made his way back up the street before disappearing. Professor Bittgonagal turned back into the gray cat and sped off, and Hoborid jumped back on his unicycle, turned the flashlight back on, and was gone.

And at the door, Dib Potty rolled over, grasping the floppy disc in his hand and cuddling it. He had no idea that he would be awoken by the sprinklers going off, be punched and tortured for years to come by his cousin, and had no idea that right that moment, people were raising cans of Diet Poop, proclaiming "To Dib Potty, the Boy Who Didn't Die!"

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_**Aaaaaaand that was... no. I don't even know what happened. Hah. The Boy Who Didn't Die. hehe makes me giggle for some reason. A lot of stuff probably needed a lot more detail but I dunno. Tell me what you think.**_


	2. Talking Pigs and Vanishing Glass

_**I bet you guys thought I wasn't going to update, right? I'm sorry it's been taking me so long. I just started high school and I'm in my third week, so things have been a little... "AAAAAAAH". This chapter is probably going to be really... really stupid. Oh well. Well... on with the ficcy.**_

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Dib's eyes snapped open as a sharp tapping noise pierced his ears. He rolled over onto his back and stared up at the ceiling that was no more than three feet above him. He could hear fizzing and sparking coming from the door to his right, letting him know that his Robo Aunt, Aunt Putrid, was just outside his door.

"Dib Potty," the robot said in it's monotone voice, "come to the kitchen at once to receive breakfa-- I SAID BRUSH YOUR TEETH!" There were more sparks outside the door, and Dib could even see them through the cracks in the door. The Robo Aunt had always had glitches, but no one had ever thought to come and repair her. Dib heard her roll away on her roller feet, and he threw the blanket off of himself. He yawned and stretched, thinking hard. He knew there was something different about today... but he couldn't seem to remember...

After dressing in his usual black jacket, blue shirt with the grey not-so-happy face on it, black pants and boots, Dib opened the small door of his "room and stepped outside. Dib didn't really have a room, he slept in the cupboard under the stairs. He sighed as he walked into the kitchen, putting the last of the gel in his spiky hair. As soon as he walked in the kitchen, he suddenly remembered why today was so different.

There, sitting at the table, was his cousin, Gazedly. She had on her pink footy pajamas with the little wings in the back and was sipping a glass of Poop Juice. On the table in front of her were boxes in all different colors, all wrapped with a little bow on top, and a green party hat rested on Gazedly's purple hair. Today was her birthday.

Dib sighed and sat down at the table. Today was going to be horrible, he could feel it. Usually, on Gazedly's birthday, he was left at the crazy lady's house down the street, whose house smelled of feet and who insisted on showing him pictures of all the monkeys she had ever owned. He didn't know why, but the Robo Aunt and Robo Uncle, didn't really seem to like him. He wasn't sure if that was one of their glitches or if Gazedly had programmed them that way. And speaking of the Robo Uncle--

"There he is, that stupid large headed boy! Are we going to leave him again today, Putrid?" the Robo Uncle, Uncle Vacuum, said. His head and neck sparked as he waited for a reply. Aunt Putrid placed the last of the burnt breakfast on the table and turned to face her robohusband.

"We can't, the lady down the street broke her le-- BRUSH THEM! BRUUUUUUSHH THEEEEM!" she said. Dib just sort of stared at her as more sparks emitted from her.

"We can't take him to the zoo with us, they might think we stole one of the Big Headed Monkeys..." said Uncle Vacuum. Dib refrained from screaming "MY HEAD'S NOT BIG", because last time he did they took a measuring tape to prove to him how large it was.

"I could just... stay here, couldn't I?" Dib suggested. It would be nice, to be able to have a day to himself, without one of the robots insulting him or Gazedly punching him.

Uncle Vacuum sparked with anger. "And come back with the house in ruins? I don't think so!"

"Maybe we could take him... I mean, we might lose him. That would be a plus," Aunt Putrid reasoned. The robo aunt and uncle agreed, and suddenly Dib was in the back seat with Gazedly, on his way to the zoo for the first time in his life. Dib stared lazily out the window and watched as a mime on a unicycle got hit by a car.

"Did you see that, Putrid? Now why would he be riding a unicycle out on the road like that?" Uncle Vacuum said. Dib suddenly looked forward at the back of the driver seat.

"I had a dream about a unicycle once, it was flying..." he said. Uncle Vacuum suddenly had his biggest spark fit yet. He turned right around in the seat and let go of the wheel, letting the car swerve this way and that way, somehow missing cars.

"UNICYCLES ARE STUUUUPID AND DON'T FLY!" he said, sparking and twitching. Dib raised an eyebrow.

"I know they don't, it was just a dre--" he was cut off by Gazedly punching him.

They finally made it to the zoo, and Dib jumped out of the car eagerly. His eagerness soon subsided, as a powerful smell of animal dung hit his nostrils. Gazedly and the robo aunt and uncle didn't seem to notice though, so Dib followed them to the entrance, holding his nose with one hand. They walked inside and the robo aunt and uncle went one way with Gazedly, while Dib went another way. Dib did kind of hope they would leave him, he'd much rather smell animal dung here than to go back home with them. His gaze traveled in all directions, taking it all in. There were cages with monkeys, cages with moose, even some with a few llamas. Dib wandered over to a cage full with rabid hamsters, then to a cage with a very dirty pig. There was a small child banging on the glass, trying to awaken the pig. Suddenly a red light from the ceiling flashed and a siren went off. Three guards ran at the small boy, grabbing him. They threw down smoke bombs, and when the smoke cleared they were gone. Dib stared at the place where the boy had been and wondered where he was now. Shrugging it off, he turned to face the cage, and found that the pig was staring at him. Dib stared back, and the pig attempted to give him a thumbs up. This didn't work however, because the pig fell over, and instead just winked at Dib. He didn't wink back but instead wondered aloud how the pig could do that. Dib jumped back when the pig answered him.

"Because I can!" it said in a deep voice that sounded like the pig had some phlegm in it's throat. Dib stepped back towards the cage and whispered to the pig.

"You... you can understand me...?" he said. The pig nodded, snorting. Dib's hand flew to his jacket pocket to retrieve his camera, determined to take a picture of this paranormal pig, but before his fingers could close around the camera's cold surface Gazedly and pushed him out of the way and stood before the glass cage, her face pressed up against it. Her eyes looked like spirals, just like when she watched the Bloaty commercials. Dib got to his knees and glared at Gazedly. Suddenly, the glass from the cage vanished, and Gazedly fell headfirst into the cage. People screamed and vomited as the pig jumped from the cage and ran down the walkway, thanking Dib. The whole ride home, Dib had to endure screaming, yelling and punching. When they got in the house the robo bombarded him with questions as to why the glass vanished.

"I don't know!" Dib exclaimed. "One minute it was there, and then it was gone! Like some kind of alien tampering or... or magic, or someth--" He was suddenly cut off by Uncle Vacuum throwing him in the cupboard.

"THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS ALIENS OR MAGIC!" he screamed, sparking and almost catching the stairs on fire.

Dib sat on his bed and sighed. Nothing ever seemed to go right.

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_**Yaaaaaaaay I had fun writing this chapter. I don't know which part I like best though... hmm. I think this chapter was actually kinda good. Yay me :gives self a cookie: Well R&R, and uhm... I'll give you a cookie too.**_


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